It's never easy...

I love animals a lot! I'm for sure an animal lover...always have been. I have had a pet pretty much my entire life. The one downside of having a pet is it dying. It's never easy to lose a pet and that's what happened to us Tuesday. It was an extremely difficult day for me. We got our sweet little Phoebe August of 2010. She was actually rescued from the side of the road by a girl that I knew from high school and was only about a week old. The girl took her in and got her all checked out at the vet...got her shots, stitched her little lip, etc...but couldn't keep her because she had a few cats of her own. I immediately said that we could take her! And then I asked Brent! ha. He said sure. Phoebe was a small cat even fully grown. She only weighed 8 lbs. She was a tiny thing really. She was a great little cat; timid, loved to snuggle, loved running outside just for a few minutes to get some fresh air, & was quiet. Just an all around good little animal.

Fast forward to Monday afternoon...ugh. She had been acting a little strange for a little over a week. She was straining when she had to pee and wasn't using the bathroom often. We thought it might be a UTI or some little infection that some medicine would take care of. But nothing major. We had an appointment at the vet Monday afternoon and Brent was suppose to take her. Side note, she really didn't care for anyone in the house but me. Brent called me "Mary" and Phoebe was my "little lamb". She did follow me wherever I went! So it was fitting. She kept running from Brent and hiding when he was trying to get a hold of her to take her. I said, "Let me just take her. She likes me". I regret that decision now. She doesn't like the car. I don't think most cats do. She ran to the back seat and sat there looking terrified. I started feeling really bad and kind of sick to my stomach. I just hate when animals are scared. Luckily the vet's office was only about 10 minutes( at most )away. I told the tech her symptoms and he had the doctor come in to do vitals, etc...Reminder: this was the day of our huge ice storm so they were short staffed b/c other employees couldn't make it in. So the dr checked her out and pretty much had a worried look on her face the whole time. Great! My heart dropped and I started to get a little clammy. She said her bladder was huge and her urethra was swollen and  needed to do a urine sample. Ok. After the sample was taken she said her urine didn't look normal. Phoebe then proceeded to throw up twice and started breathing really heavy. I almost started to cry but kept it together. The dr said we needed to go to an emergency clinic immediately b/c  Phoebe needed x-rays and their machine was down. Luckily there was an emergency clinic right across the street . Oh the ice storm! They had closed early b/c they were short staffed. Awesome. So the dr sent me to a 24 hour clinic in Cool Springs. A good 30 minutes away. 

I walked in with my cat that was clung to me for dear life. They were expecting us. Her claws were dug down into my fleece jacket so so tight. She had vomit on her b/c she had again thrown up in the car on the way there. This whole experience was so traumatic for her. I kept thinking ok, this wont take long they just need to figure out exactly what was going on and give her some meds and we will be on our way. The facility was very nice and was staffed with the friendliest techs and doctors. Even the girl at the front desk was super friendly. A tech came out to take Phoebe back to check her heart rate, BP, and temp. He had to literally peel Phoebe off of me. She gave me this look of please don't leave me. I could see how scared she was in her eyes. Little did I know, that was the very last time that I would see my cat. {enter tears}.

Fast forward a bit...I was there for 2 hours. After a few tests and some x-rays, the dr still didn't know what was going on. That's so encouraging! Not. She had a few ideas. One of which was that she had an infection in her uterus but they needed to to an ultrasound do determine that and the radiologist who did the ultrasounds wouldn't be in till the following afternoon. So they put her on some fluids b/c she was a little dehydrated and gave her a few antibiotics and recommended she stay so that they could monitor her overnight. So I walked out to the front to check out feeling so unsure of everything and scared for Phoebe. They assured me she would be just fine and I knew she was in good hands. I was keeping it together good until I saw the astronomical bill that was placed in front of me! Out of total shock and still worried about my cat, I burst into tears. The sweet sweet girl at the desk was so kind and loving to me. They see this stuff all the time I'm sure. I was at an emergency place after all. I mean, it was pay the bill or the cat will die. What are you gonna do?! So after taking care of it, I slowly walked to the car, the bitter wind freezing the tears on my face. I cried all the way home.

I realized this was a much bigger problem than we had ever thought. And then I started thinking what if she dies. She just can't die. She was only 3 and had lots of years ahead of her. Brent was super comforting when I got home...3 and 1/2 hours after I had left! I cried the whole night. The next morning the doctor who took over miss Phoebe called and went over some things. She said Phoebe did well with her fluids and they had her on pain meds b/c they actually had to insert a catheter in her. Poor cat! She let me know the plan for the next hour or 2. The ultrasound was going to happen and that should show what was going on. Ok. I still had hope that it wouldn't be too too serious. She said Phoebe was actually doing well and was calm and acting fine....mainly b/c of the pain meds. She called me back after the ultrasound with what seemed like devastating news but she was very hopeful. Phoebe had a sever infection in her uterus and would have to have her uterus removed by the end of the day. That was the only way to get rid of this type of infection. She also listed some other things that our cat would need done and it was just so overwhelming to hear. Here I took my cat in for a pretty basic check up and now she was having to have surgeries. 

After getting off the phone I called Brent crying telling him the latest news and saying over and over, I don't want her to die. I was sobbing b/c in the back of my mind, I knew that was what was going to happen. I told him it was all becoming too much for me and that he was going to have to take over with the phone calls from here on out. I just couldn't handle hearing any of it anymore. I then called my mom sobbing to tell her what was going on and what we were having to try to decide to do...move forward or let her go. She had the perfect words for me. She calmed me down and ended up saying we must do what was best for the cat not what was best for us. Sometimes we want to hang on to something that just needs to be let go. We ultimately needed to do what was best for Phoebe. 

To wrap this up and it's not the happy ending I was hoping for, the dr told Brent( I found all of this out all after everything happened...which is what I wanted )that letting her go would just be the kind thing to do. Brent was willing to do pretty much anything to get the cat better and the doctors working with her were too but once he heard that come out of her mouth, he knew that was the right thing to do for her...for our little cat. So she passed away on March 4th. She was only 3 and a 1/2. I went into all of this thinking everything would be ok and ended this without our pet returning home. What rips at my heart is not knowing that when I handed her off on that bitter cold Monday, I would never see her again. I still cry and I feel like that's ok. and I'm sure I won't quit shedding tears now and then till the hurt in my heart heals...and it will. 

It's never easy when your pet takes his or her final breath but it happens and life moves on.